Bizzy Miz Lizzy

Some of Lizzy's recent activities:

• This past weekend she doled out her first kiss! Mommy was the lucky receiver--if you call a slobbery, loose-lipped baby mouth pressing against your face lucky. (and, let's face it, only a mom would)
• "bah-bah" can mean anything from: banana, baby, and bye-bye to: broom, bread, butterfly, and even strawberry
• Loves the broom and watching me sweep
• Tried coloring/scribbling with big crayons for the "first" time today (we've tried to get to color at restaurants, but she only wants to eat the crayons, or throw them). She still doesn't quite get it yet, even with the big crayons. Those bright colors look so yummy!
• Torments our cat daily, much to the cat's chagrin. Kitty's pretty good overall, but Kitty did actually bite Lizzy this past Sunday. I freaked out and was picturing having to take her to the hospital with some kind of weird, tracking-up-her-arm infection. We quickly busted out the anti-b and the rubbing alcohol and swabbed her til the cows came home. (How's that for first aid?) Dad was so calm. Baby was too. All was well. ahhh
• She got her first MegaBlock set. Oooooh, fun. Especially sitting IN the tub on top of the blocks---sheer baby heaven.
• She's saying mama more. I think she's starting to understand that when she says mama I'll respond. so darn cute. so darn scary.
• We played over at our friend's house yesterday and discovered the joy of tiny little river rocks! O, they looked so yummy. (again with the colors) Mommy is such a spoil-sport and always has to ruin her adventurous dining intentions.
• Also at the friend's place, she found great joy in tormenting their dog. (all fur friends take note)
• She is such a flirt. She really likes one of daddy's buddies, and I caught her making eyes and sideways grinning at him during the BBQ on Sunday. (oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear...) (perhaps we should channel that tormenting animals thing to tormenting boys instead. hmmmm...)
• She's decided that she doesn't want to nap lately. much to mommy's chagrin! So, we are seeing, or rather hearing, a whole lotta crying up in the crib these past afternoons. sigh.

Here's what's up with Mommy:

• The cat is driving mommy absolutely bonkers and sometimes I want to torment it myself. (no, that's wrong)
• Working from home is going well overall. I've had some login issues and had to call IS only a couple of times (grrr) but...the work itself is fine. I get so much stuff done at home. I can do a whole day's worth of work in about 4-5 hours. Makes one think, it does.
• What's great about working from home is that I can set my own hours (um, paid work that is), for the most part. example: we went to toysRus right in the middle of the day today. could I have done that while being just your average work slave? no! now, can I get a resounding "woo-hoo!!"?
• Working from home, however, does have it's shortcomings. Hours (unpaid) are long (7am-8pm) and the conversation is rare on most days. but we're gettin' it done and making the most of it.

Now, must get dinner and some downtime in front of the tv. DH is out of town, and I have so much Tivo to catch up on! I've missed like 5 episodes of House, and 3 Sopranos, and who knows what else, so I've got a whole lotta Tivo work to do! Does mommy's "work" ever end? (grin) shoo, I'd do Tivo "work" anyday! I love Tivo!

ok, enough yammering for one day.

Do Babies Know Time?

Do babies have a sense of time? Or do they just get to know the "routine" of their days?

It's an interesting question.

I'm guessing it's more routine, but sometimes Lizzy makes me think otherwise. She's demonstrated that she knows about what time I come home from work (well, when I used to go to work). She would go over to the door/gate and cry for mommy. (aww) Cuteness aside though, what makes her do this? Is it that she knows it's been about "so much time" that it's time for mommy to come home? Maybe routine and having a sense of time are very closely related to each other.

What really intrigues me about this is that another kid I know doesn't seem to know what's what when it comes to time. For example, when the parents went away on vacation she never went to the door/gate and call for mommy, never gave any semblance of realization that mommy and daddy were even gone. Didn't seem to bother her one bit! Anyway, she was of course happy to see them when they did return, but her behavior is so different than Lizzy's...makes me wonder...do we just chock it up to kids being different?

Perhaps Lizzy is beginning to develop a sense of time, based on her routine. She knows sort of what to expect during her days, so this routine gives her a solid ground on which to understand that so much time has passed since lunch or since mommy left, etc.

It's so inspiring and wonderful to see babies'/toddlers' little brains working and trying to solve big concepts like time and place. Amazing, amazing, amazing we human beings are!! The human brain is just so very fascinating!

Memorial Day

In line with what I was talking about yesterday--about children and how they deserve the best--Oprah has had couple of very relevant shows lately.

On Wednesday Oprah featured Elie Wiesel, author of the holocaust memoir Night, and they took the cameras around Auschwitz while Professor Wiesel narrated his memories and impressions. His quiet words brought to life a horror and desperation that's difficult to grasp. But the children, o the poor, innocent children and tiny babies that perished there, wrapped in their mothers' arms...to this especially, there are no words to describe the pain.

As a mother, I can't help but try to imagine myself there--to be forced to leave my family, to be ordered at gunpoint to disrobe myself and my baby, and then get in a line to take a "shower" only to find that we were all to be mercilessly murdered. What thoughts go through your head? You've got your precious baby in your arms, you've been separated from your husband and other dear ones, and you're vulnerably naked and helpless. What can you afford to think?

Well it brings me think: how could this have really happened? and who would have done this--to babies and small children especially--millions of them. day after day after day...? My God, who? What kind of human being?

Dispicable.

Auschwitz has not only entombed millions of bodies, but it also houses mounds of baby shoes, clothing remnats, and baby suitcases. Not to mention the 67-ft-long window that separates you from the veritable hillside of shorn hair. Unbelieveable--and unspeakably sad.

To know that these kinds of atrocities still go on in the world (Sudan and others?)makes me want to stand up and do something.

But what?

a work of love and duty

This quote succinctly encapsulates what I've been feeling lately. I'm very glad to be able to share it with you.


"I looked on child-rearing not only as a work of love and duty,
but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging
as any honorable profession in the world and
one that demanded the best that I could bring to it."

--Rose Kennedy

So great. I love that last line.

The children of this world deserve nothing but the very best that we can give them. Wouldn't you agree?

Home Sweet Home

Yesterday was my first day home, and it was great. A lot of work, but from what everyone constantly tells me, the days & years just fly by when you are with young children.

Elizabeth seems happy to finally be home. With all of the constant shuffling around to different babysitters for the past few weeks, she has been extra clingy and wanting mommy. Both my MIL & SIL were saying that at about 430 Lizzy would go over to the gate/door and cry for me. even call out "mama." My mom said that she cried "mommy." I haven't heard that yet!

She's understanding so much more these days. And she tries to say words like apple, diaper, kitty, broom, birds, banana--it' sooo cute. She still can't form the sounds.

Other stuff she's doing:

• She wants to walk down the stairs instead of crawl. She's a big girl now!
• She's learned (about 3 weeks ago) to open levered doors--no knobs yet
• She loves her books and looks at them constantly.
• She also plays really well on her own for like 20 min! it's great. I can sit here on the computer and watch her play. She's gotten so much easier to watch.
• She tries to put on her own shoes
• She's been "playing" with her changing pad, the velcro one--like to open it and lie down on it! crazy girl
• She's discovered the Wiggles (thanks to outside influences who will remain nameless)
• ...but what's even cuter is that she likes to "dance" like they do: raising her arms up and down...oh man, we have GOT to video this. It's unbearably cute

I feel so lucky. I could be working and earning more money, and I could have decided to send her to day care, but that seems such a selfish kind of life. My husband's job pays well enough, and he actually enjoys his work. Sure, more money is always nice, but she's our daughter & we want her to grow up with us, by us. We want to instill in her young mind our values and our love for learning. That's so important. When it comes down to it, money is just money--it brings life's necessities and, if you're lucky, luxuries--but family is precious. I can give so much to my daughter--why spend all my energy at an unfulfilling job when the most important job is here at home?

That said, it's a transistion from working full time to being home full time. but that's another post. I have a little angel at my toes calling "up! up!"

Oh these days are precious!

Going to LizzyLand

Well, it's official. Two more days of full-time work and then I am an official stay-at-home mom (SAHM).

Wonder what it's like to be a SAHM?
Me too!

Guess we'll find out soon enough.

LizzyLand --- The happiest, messiest, craziest, "ahba-ga-gogo-i-est" place on earth.

Should be fun...and...am I insane?????

Silence is golden...

...and red...and blue...and green...

I'm back from 7 days of silence.
Yet what a cacophony this past week has seen.
(color indicates state of mind)

1. Wednesday 5/10: Gave notice at work. (finally)
My last day as an "employee" (more on that soon) is 5/23
2. Thursday 5/11: My boss asked me to stay on as a part-time consultant for 3 months. Aww, they miss me already...
3. Friday 5/12 (in three parts):
part 1: AM: Somehow a few co-workers find out that I'm leaving. Shock and awe aside, they rage about how upper management doesn't support telecommuting, (e.g., moms who want to work from home)
part 2: later AM: Feeling a bit torn about leaving my job, my salary, my "free" time (if you can call it that). Spend much of the afternoon trying to reconcile what the future means for me, (e.g., me, a SAHM? pshaw!)
part 3: 4PM: Boss wants to start the paperwork for my consultantcy status, and I...gasp...tell her to hold off until Monday so I could think on it. (see part 2 above)
4. Saturday 5/13: Now away from work, I quickly realize that the decision to quit and stay home with Lizzy is the right one. What's more, my current job (although safe) is holding me back.
5. Sunday 5/14: Mother's Day. Visited 2 mothers in 2 places in 2 hours (ok, 5 hrs, but 2 sounded so much more dramatic). Feeling good about the decision to leave work; wondering who's going to watch Lizzy next week! Mom? SIL?
6. Monday 5/15: Childcare solved. Told boss to go forward with the paperwork (notice the GREENLIGHT).
7. Tuesday 5/16: Feeling right & rosy (notice the pink?). It's a waiting game now.

Which brings us to today:
Boss announced to the big group that I will be leaving & I'm telling more people 1:1. We also shuffled around some projects. However, it looks like I'll still have a lot to do!! At least through August. show me the money.

More later...must run off to pick up DD.

non-seq: looking forward to tonight's episode of LOST... :)

Pep Talk

Sitting in my office dreading the conversation I need to have with my boss.

You see, today I was planning to tell her that I either have to give my 2 wks notice or we have to come to some kind of alternative arrangement on work hours.

UGH.

I SO dread this conversation. Part of me really just wants to quit and leave it all behind, but somehow it's very very difficult to actually do so. Why is it so hard?? Am I afraid of quitting and being at home, a full-time SAHM? Afraid that I won't be happy or that I won't be able to make money doing stuff that I actually enjoy? I guess I'm not really sure how I'll be able to make money yet, and that's a concern. But that's not it.

Somehow I feel obligated to stay and complete my projects, even the ones that haven't actually started yet. How nuts is that? I don't want to let "the team" down, but hey, I can't let myself down by staying in a job I don't love.

Perhaps work has become a bigger safety net than I thought. I've hidden out in this job for almost 7 years!! Crazy!! I can do so much more with my time and I know that. I need to stop second-guessing myself, trust my instincts and just move on.

I've got to climb out of this shell once and for all. Discover more about myself and what I'm capable of. This job is holding me back and giving me a (poor) excuse not to push myself to the next level.

Enough is enough!

Ready, Set, Work!

I'm home today with DD Lizzy b/c it is DH's first day at the new job. unexpectedly soon, too. Wow, they were anxious to get him started, seeing that he received confirmation of his start date only three days ago. (Friday after 4pm no less). so, the rat race begins with a bang.

Which leads to lots of scrambling on our end to figure out childcare, especially since I haven't even given notice yet! Tomorrow's the big day for that conversation (yay), but with the caveat that I can continue working (from home, ahem) until they get a replacement. I'll offer to go in 1-2 days a week, but I'd be surprised if they go for it. They wouldn't let me work from home when I asked about it last Feb.---however, there is a lot of stuff that needs to be done in the coming weeks, so eh! who knows! It's prolly going to be one of those "gotta go ask the big boss" kind of things.

Just put DD down for a nap. she is getting so much better at this sleep thing. Granted, this time around she cried, but only after being in there for over a 1/2 hr of what I guess is trying to get herself to sleep. I kept hearing little noises and of course the birds going, so who knows. She was WAY tired when I finally went in. I picked her up and she quickly fell asleep in my arms. I love her! Aw, i just had to say that. sometimes she is just so damn cute it makes me sick! :-P hahahaha

Anyway, she's off sleeping, which always makes me think....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What should I do now???? I always have 10 million things to do when she's awake & I can't do them, but when she's alseep I don't know where to start. Plus, she's a light sleeper, so I don't want to make too much noise.

I'm finding that I'm really not all that upset about quitting my job. When I'm not there, I don't really miss it, which speaks volumes. It would be easy to walk away from it. I just know that I'll need something work-wise to do during the days that I'm home though, lest I go completely mad with baby talk and baby toy songs going through my head! I'll spare you the torture.

Well better go and make the most of my baby-sleeping time! WHEEE

So cool, it's creepy

Ok, this is getting creepy.
--except it's so KEWL!

DH (aka Mr. Mom) just called to inform me that Lizzy's strange new ability to lie down and go to sleep without protest continues...

If it wasn't so very cool I'd be one creeped out, very concerned mama!

Lizzy Goes Down

DUUUUUUUUUUDE. last night was soooooo amazing. (get your mind out of the gutter now)

In a shocking turn, my DD Lizzy has decided that she can go down for the night without crying. I KNOW! It's UN-believeable isn't it??? I am still reeling. Of course, it's only been one night of such pleasantries, but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it's nice to dream that all nights going forward will be as such. that's me, ever the optimist. (oh please oh please oh please...)

last night at about 730 we went upstairs, changed her diaper, "read" thru her current fave book--Goodnight Gorilla--aka "go-go"--so cute--anyways it went as follows:

1. turned on the birds (her overhead movie/music extravaganza--see pic)
2. put her in crib
3. kissed her goodnight
4. told her to lie down
...then it gets interesting...
5. she DID!!!!!!!!
6. she got restless
7. she got up
8 she walked over to play with the birds
9. i kissed her precious, sweet-smelling baby head and said good night again
10. i walked out

and...
(insert crickets here)

no #11
no an den!
nada
zip
zilch
'cept precious, ever-so-silent sleep

!!

speechless, i am.

--one proud mama

out of the darkness & into the sun

After yesterday's post i'm beginning to think that i've totally lost it. i mean, really, i hate getting all bent over such petty crap. (please...it's a chair!)

I guess i've been going through a lot lately. a lot of back and forth on what i want to do with my time, my life. stay at my job or quit, be a SAHM and do freelance stuff?

Came across a quote that really struck me the other day---I don't have it with me here at work, but it was something about how you should take the hard road b/c it's where you learn the most and find the most fulfillment. I tend to agree. Every time i've stepped out of my comfort zone it's been hard, but way worth it. Take having children for example. So much work and life change, but all so very worth it. every second.

I've reached the point at my current job where I'm no longer passionate about what I'm doing. Not only that, but since DH is going back to work and will no longer be playing Mr. Mom, we've got some big childcare decisions to deal with. i keep thinking that even if I hate being a SAHM I can look for another job that better feeds my interests. I've been at my current job for a long time (7 years--straight out of grad school) and I've learned a lot here, but perhaps it's just time to move on.

My boss is great, my coworkers keep me here...it's strange..you'd think I'd be set to put in another 7 years. But...I need more than a paycheck and coworker comraderie to keep me going...I'm finding that it's more and more important (as I get older) to feel like I am doing something that matters--to me, to others, whatever.

I was struck by Reese Witherspoon's Oscar acceptance speech:

...People used to ask June [Carter] how she was doing, and she used to say -- "I'm just trying to matter." And I know what she means. You know, I'm just trying to matter, and live a good life and make work that means something to somebody. ...

I love that. And that's what I want. To make work that means something to somebody. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me personally, but i'm beginning to find that my time here at work is the Easy Road, not the Hard Road that will give the most ROI. I'm too safe here at work. Showing up, doing my daily tasks, getting my paychecks, and watching the years go silently by. Dude, WHY?

I don't want to wake up someday and find that I am somehow 65 years old and haven't done what I really wanted to do in life. I still have time to make a difference. Now's my chance. I can just feel it.

I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes
til' I touch the sky
And I'll
Make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway...

Monday, Monday

It's Monday. And man, am I feeling it.

The thorn: Work (surprise!)
I recently switched my standard office cube for a stand-up version (in which the tabletop is raised so that I can work while standing up). No back problems, I just like standing & moving rather than sitting on my duff all day.

So, got my stand-up cube and all was good in the world. Then, alas, they told me that they didn't have a chair/stool for the times when I do want to sit (b/c let's face it, no one wants to stand ALL day long). They gave me a temp chair (it looks like a tractor chair and is prolly about as comfy as one) and said they'd order me the cushy, ergonomically correct one ("it'll be here in a few weeks"). Fine.

That was over 2 months ago.

...ok....I started to go into the details, but this is so ridiculous, so I'm going to spare you. Long story short---I emailed the manager this morning to inquire where my chair was, if it was even ordered, etc. and he wrote back and cc'd the freakin world saying that I'm not following the proper "process". Um, OK. Whatever dude. I had to set him straight.

Which means my chair will get here in, oh, about 2 years. It'll prolly arrive the day after I quit, which is becoming more and more of an enticing thought. But that's another post.