Tuesday, May 02, 2006

out of the darkness & into the sun

After yesterday's post i'm beginning to think that i've totally lost it. i mean, really, i hate getting all bent over such petty crap. (please...it's a chair!)

I guess i've been going through a lot lately. a lot of back and forth on what i want to do with my time, my life. stay at my job or quit, be a SAHM and do freelance stuff?

Came across a quote that really struck me the other day---I don't have it with me here at work, but it was something about how you should take the hard road b/c it's where you learn the most and find the most fulfillment. I tend to agree. Every time i've stepped out of my comfort zone it's been hard, but way worth it. Take having children for example. So much work and life change, but all so very worth it. every second.

I've reached the point at my current job where I'm no longer passionate about what I'm doing. Not only that, but since DH is going back to work and will no longer be playing Mr. Mom, we've got some big childcare decisions to deal with. i keep thinking that even if I hate being a SAHM I can look for another job that better feeds my interests. I've been at my current job for a long time (7 years--straight out of grad school) and I've learned a lot here, but perhaps it's just time to move on.

My boss is great, my coworkers keep me here...it's strange..you'd think I'd be set to put in another 7 years. But...I need more than a paycheck and coworker comraderie to keep me going...I'm finding that it's more and more important (as I get older) to feel like I am doing something that matters--to me, to others, whatever.

I was struck by Reese Witherspoon's Oscar acceptance speech:

...People used to ask June [Carter] how she was doing, and she used to say -- "I'm just trying to matter." And I know what she means. You know, I'm just trying to matter, and live a good life and make work that means something to somebody. ...

I love that. And that's what I want. To make work that means something to somebody. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me personally, but i'm beginning to find that my time here at work is the Easy Road, not the Hard Road that will give the most ROI. I'm too safe here at work. Showing up, doing my daily tasks, getting my paychecks, and watching the years go silently by. Dude, WHY?

I don't want to wake up someday and find that I am somehow 65 years old and haven't done what I really wanted to do in life. I still have time to make a difference. Now's my chance. I can just feel it.

I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes
til' I touch the sky
And I'll
Make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway...

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