out of the darkness & into the sun

After yesterday's post i'm beginning to think that i've totally lost it. i mean, really, i hate getting all bent over such petty crap. (please...it's a chair!)

I guess i've been going through a lot lately. a lot of back and forth on what i want to do with my time, my life. stay at my job or quit, be a SAHM and do freelance stuff?

Came across a quote that really struck me the other day---I don't have it with me here at work, but it was something about how you should take the hard road b/c it's where you learn the most and find the most fulfillment. I tend to agree. Every time i've stepped out of my comfort zone it's been hard, but way worth it. Take having children for example. So much work and life change, but all so very worth it. every second.

I've reached the point at my current job where I'm no longer passionate about what I'm doing. Not only that, but since DH is going back to work and will no longer be playing Mr. Mom, we've got some big childcare decisions to deal with. i keep thinking that even if I hate being a SAHM I can look for another job that better feeds my interests. I've been at my current job for a long time (7 years--straight out of grad school) and I've learned a lot here, but perhaps it's just time to move on.

My boss is great, my coworkers keep me here...it's strange..you'd think I'd be set to put in another 7 years. But...I need more than a paycheck and coworker comraderie to keep me going...I'm finding that it's more and more important (as I get older) to feel like I am doing something that matters--to me, to others, whatever.

I was struck by Reese Witherspoon's Oscar acceptance speech:

...People used to ask June [Carter] how she was doing, and she used to say -- "I'm just trying to matter." And I know what she means. You know, I'm just trying to matter, and live a good life and make work that means something to somebody. ...

I love that. And that's what I want. To make work that means something to somebody. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me personally, but i'm beginning to find that my time here at work is the Easy Road, not the Hard Road that will give the most ROI. I'm too safe here at work. Showing up, doing my daily tasks, getting my paychecks, and watching the years go silently by. Dude, WHY?

I don't want to wake up someday and find that I am somehow 65 years old and haven't done what I really wanted to do in life. I still have time to make a difference. Now's my chance. I can just feel it.

I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes
til' I touch the sky
And I'll
Make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway...

Monday, Monday

It's Monday. And man, am I feeling it.

The thorn: Work (surprise!)
I recently switched my standard office cube for a stand-up version (in which the tabletop is raised so that I can work while standing up). No back problems, I just like standing & moving rather than sitting on my duff all day.

So, got my stand-up cube and all was good in the world. Then, alas, they told me that they didn't have a chair/stool for the times when I do want to sit (b/c let's face it, no one wants to stand ALL day long). They gave me a temp chair (it looks like a tractor chair and is prolly about as comfy as one) and said they'd order me the cushy, ergonomically correct one ("it'll be here in a few weeks"). Fine.

That was over 2 months ago.

...ok....I started to go into the details, but this is so ridiculous, so I'm going to spare you. Long story short---I emailed the manager this morning to inquire where my chair was, if it was even ordered, etc. and he wrote back and cc'd the freakin world saying that I'm not following the proper "process". Um, OK. Whatever dude. I had to set him straight.

Which means my chair will get here in, oh, about 2 years. It'll prolly arrive the day after I quit, which is becoming more and more of an enticing thought. But that's another post.

Play it again, Thsam

What's up with my daughter's toys that attempt to "teach" ABCs & 123s and other such life necessities?

More often than not I find that someone desperately needs to teach the toys correct english and pronunciation. It is so very annoying. Granted, I am an Editor by trade and have advanced degrees in English, but give me a break---I sometimes want to throw these toys straight out the window so that my DD won't pick up on some very bad liguistic habits.

For example, lysping seems to be a huge problem. She has this Little Touch LeapPad electronic book (Rainbow Fish) in which the fish has some kind of freaky accent (carrib? jamaican? british? aussie? dude, I have NO idea WHAT it is!) anyway, on every page there's a different number of scales and he pronounces scales as "thskalesth" and every number is said in his freaky accent so that it's really challenging for even an adult to understand, let alone a toddler trying to learn to communicate.

Her fisher price learning chair is equally annoying for different reasons---it "teaches" her words such as "ducky" and "froggy" and tells her that the "kitty goes meow" and the "doggy goes ruff ruff!" (I realize that this usage is so slangish its practically standard, but my grammarian side must protest, even if in vain.) And her Crazy Legs Learning Bugs by vtech is completely unintelligible when you turn it on---"thsort thsort thsort my thskateth?/thsheets? [aka skates? or sheets?], circles hearts and squares, [insert indistiquishible line here], thshapes are everywhere." I mean COME ON! Eddie Vedder is more understandable than this crap. Everytime I hear it I cringe. I don't want my DD to have problems with speaking, but she LOVES these toys.

I know I have the most influence in her speaking practices, so I try and teach her the correct words and such. But...is it just me who's so annoyed? Wait, don't answer that.

Ringin' It

I found a web ring of awesome mom blogs---Crazy/Hip Blog Mamas---and I joined up! I wish I had more time to read through more of the sites b/c everyone I just randomly looked at was AWESOME! Moms rule. I can't stress enough just how helpful it is to know that we are not alone. sounds obvious, but it's such an a-ha moment to see evidence to the fact. I so need support in this thing called motherhood. I never joined any of the support groups (like la leche league, classes at the hospital, las madres, etc.)--DH, bless his heart, has been very supportive--but nothing beats commiseration with other mamas! :) Anyway, looking forward to reading more of the CHBM blogs and getting to know some new people!

Where Soul Meets Body

I want to live where soul meets body

And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing

And feel, feel what its like to be new

Ah, Death Cab is feeding me this afternoon...a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere...

I've been poking around some of the other mom blogs out there, and it's nice to know that other people feel as clueless as I do about how to balance work, being a mom, and just having a life in general. I've been depressed lately trying to work this all out and trying to not lose my normal happy, positive attitude. But damn it's tough.

When I was pregnant, everyone kept telling me how my life was never going to be the same...and although I realized that fact, it was a hopeful sort of picture I invisioned, idyllic in a way...I was so excited to bring new life into the world, to hold that little baby and see a reflection of myself and my DH...it was such an exciting time to be pregnant and so very joyful to actually become a mother.

But man, nothing prepares you for the reality of it all. Despite the angel that is my daughter and the sheer wonderment I get from being in her presence...being a mother is So. Very. Freaking. Difficult. Throw in working full time, and we've got one crazy party on our hands! I can't help but think of this marathon runner's quote: 20 miles of hope. 6 miles of reality. (9 months of hope: 18+ years of reality?)

Still seeking balance---where soul meets body---and cleansing, newness of self---because let's face it, life HAS changed. and I am not the same. I must Live this new life. No going back. and that's ok. As long as I can figure out how to work this new one. Are you sure there's no manual I can read on how to be supermom? (I didn't take that class in college. But I can explicate Wordsworth--and the occasional Death Cab song--till the cows come home...)

Dear God! Dear Hubby to Work Again??!!

here's to blah blah BLAHgging! I'm happy to report that my boss is working from home today (she claims she's writing focal reviews, but weeeee know what's REEEEEEALLY going on--it's finally sunny out & warm, you see), so needless to say, it's a party around here. Evidently people find obtuse joy in chanting "raise! raise! raise! raise!" every ten minutes. Um, boss lady's out today, folks: she can't hear you. I just say WOO HOO to all bosses staying home and giving their employees raises. Ah, the joy. Makes me want to leave early—like now, at 10:53 AM—but, I'll refrain. I'll wait until at least noon.

Ok, as the title indicates----Dear Hubby (DH) took a job offer last night----dear God!---and it's throwing my brief semblance of work-life-motherhood balance off-kilter. Don't get me wrong--it's great news, but it makes me start the whole "should-I-quit-and-be-a-stay-home-mom (SAHM)" question again. Just when I've started to settle back into the work routine again. It's just like life to throw these kinds of curve balls at PRECISELY the most annoying time possible. ARGH. Yes, I'm being dramatic. I'm entitled. Pardon me while I burst. Do you have the time...to listen to me whine...? sorry, non-seq song references that come into my head may randomly appear on the screen for no apparent rhyme or reason. deal.

Now I am presented this two-way junction: to work or not to work. To be the quintessential, angelic SAHM (who am I kidding) or to shuffle my Dear Daughter (DD) off to some koo-koo-roo daycare. ugh. I shutter at the choice now presented to my already disturbed self. what to do...what to do.
Hmm, might be time for a Starbucks run...